Those of you who know me well, know that it was only a matter of time before I put whats going on in my life into writing or on social media.
The last 6 months of my life have been an earthquake of changes. Some good, some hard and some unresolved.
But I’m fine, thanks.
Or so I tell people when they ask how things are going. I’m fine because I don’t know what else to be at this stage in my life. If I don’t continue working on being even just fine, I will inevitably end up down a dark road. And I’ve been there. I’ve been there when my brother died and I was 15. And when my best friend took her own life. I was there when my dad battled through cancer and my parents struggled with life changes. I was there when my other brother was beat up so badly that he almost died. And at 24, 8 years into it, I was there as I got divorced.
Getting divorced so young breeds a lot of it’s own rumours. Rumours of adultery, misconduct, immaturity and disappointment. It breeds its own big monster without you even feeding it. You get funny looks from friends, frustration and sadness from family and confusion from colleagues. Doesn’t matter how hard you try to convince people that it was just decisions made in your youth, at a vulnerable time, it still comes back to preconceived judgements. It’s especially hard when people choose sides, when friends you grew up with don’t call to see how you are doing. That blows. And the rumours continue when you find yourself seeing someone new. Getting back out there and falling in love again.
So ya, when people ask – I’m fine, thanks. But in reality – how do you think I am? Everything I’ve known for almost a decade has changed, my routines, budgets, home, friends, reputation, the list goes on…
It was a mutual decision. Was there tears and regret? Of course. Was there anger and frustration? Well duh. But it took some serious adulting to figure out we just weren’t meant to be together. No hard feelings – we just outgrew each other.
I find myself having really good days, days of clarity and acceptance. Days when I admire the trees and take a moment to listen to the birds sing.
But I also have really bad, dark days. Days when I lay in bed and cry for no reason, when I am gripped with fear doing things that I used to do with confidence. There are days when I feel the weight of the world and the decisions I’ve made on my shoulders. When I feel like I’ve failed, disappointed the people I love and I feel completely unworthy.
I remember having those dark days in my past. Days where any song could make my heart break and crawling under the covers was the only place I felt safe. It’s scary to have those days now. Now that I have a job I love, hobbies that I know I can be great at and people who care about me. It feels selfish. But then I remember I am only 24 – most people in their later years haven’t dealt with half the shit I have.
So I am here, to write out my thoughts and say that some days – I am not fine. And that’s okay. Some days I hope someone will call in these moments to help me check back into reality. But I probably won’t answer anyways – because I hate talking on the phone. I am writing this to say, when I don’t feel like going out climbing or doing things I love, it isn’t because I’m lazy or unmotivated. When I have those dark days, even brushing my teeth is a mission. At 24 – I am more myself then ever before. I know what I want, how I want to be loved, who I want to love and how I’d like my future to look. And thats exciting – but it isn’t met without hesitation or fear. Nothing in my life has ever been constant.
I’m here to say that what you see isn’t always what you get. My life isn’t always full of beautiful sunsets, mountains and cute dogs. It isn’t “easy” for me and I am not always doing okay. Right now, I am working on being at least fine. And one day, I will look back at all this and either write a novel about my life or laugh at how the heck I made it out alive.
“Darling, life’s tough. But so are you.”