Dear: Future Sarah

Dear Future Sarah: A note about how you feel about life, the world and what you’ve learned so far.

Politics:

Well, isn’t this a fun topic to start? Hmm politics.

Right now, I’m confused. Confused by the people who run the country I live in, why democracy isn’t a real thing and why we let a system like this control our society. I’m confused by the promises that get made and broken time after time. I wouldn’t say that I’ve lost all hope but I’m a little over the “bs” to say the least. I know this past federal election, I voted for the NDP (New Democratic Party). I know by the end of it, when the Liberals won, I was disappointed again. Disappointed because I wonder why we get stuck in these liberal vs. conservative loops and why the NDP and Green parties never have a chance. I’m confused because I see history repeating itself in some instances. I watch groups of people continue to be hurt and left behind. I watch voices cry out for change and go unheard and that worries me to no end.

For right now, at 25 years old, I will say I am just confused. I wish for clarity, understanding and to see people in power who show compassion, resilience and brains for this country.

Religion:

A topic I just can’t resist right now is religion. It’s probably because I’m young and passionate. I care a lot about my feelings and opinions – at times I’m hot headed and stubborn with them. I know, years from now, when I look back at this I will laugh. I will laugh because of how raged I felt when I started typing about this topic. Rage that (hopefully) has diminished and grown into a greater understanding by the time I look back at this again.

To give you a bit of background and context here: I grew up in a very religious household. I attended church, Sunday school, bible study, youth groups and religious summer camps. I had religious friends and honestly, a pretty shallow view of the secular world. With each passing year, I outgrew those activities and attendance expectations. I was hurt by people I trusted and let down with broken promises that were assured to me if I followed the rule book.

I outgrew the expectations, rewards for memorization and the way of life entirely. Much like politics, now I am just confused. I’m confused why people who call themselves to a higher standard, are the ones who have hurt me most. I am confused by the pain the church has caused in our history. And why something that was (apparently) intended to do good, can cause so much hurt and judgement.

I am not an atheist at this point in my life but I know two things for sure:

1. I do not believe in organized religion – like attending a church ceremony or study every week. If I was to go somewhere to show my thanks for this world, it would be into nature. Because that is where I feel the most connected to this earth and where life is constantly being created.
2. I firmly believe in doing what makes you happy and not judging others for doing the same. I know that I am spiritual and believe in there being something out there watching over us. Now whether that is a god of sorts or our passed on ancestors, I am uncertain. But I do know there is something that calms me when I am afraid and listens when I cry out for help. But I’m not naive enough to believe it’s someone sitting in the sky watching and puppeteering my every move. At this point in my life, all I want is to do my thing and not be questioned for it. I don’t want people to force their ideas on me or anyone else. I just want to see everyone loving on each other instead of trying to convince each other of their “truths”.

Love: Oh future Sarah. Love. Should I even start with this?

I’ve fallen in love, out of love and right back in again. I have learnt some tough lessons and had my heart broken. I’ve been married and divorced (yeah, I know…I’m 25 but we all make mistakes) and I’ve figured out what I need as an adult. Recently, I’ve been reading my horoscope – mostly because I get a kick out of it but also because it’s been wildly accurate.

“Gemini relationships can be challenging for their partners. Mercurial Gemini’s have deeply intelligent, unpredictable and versatile personalities. If a challenge inspires the romantic in you, then pairing with a Gemini will be your ultimate adventure. This undertaking will require patience, adaptability and a love of the unexpected. If lolling about in domestic bliss sounds like prison to you, Gemini is a great match.” 

Yup, routine marriage isn’t for me, that’s for sure. And some days, I do feel like a split personality – like a twin. I feel different every day and what I need out of my relationships change with age and maturity.

One thing I know, right now, is that I am in love. Whole heartedly in love and without force or influence. I am happy, content and flying by the seat of my pants. I am wearing my heart on my sleeve and being my true, honest self this time around.

Money: 

What the heck is up with this stuff? It’s so hard to hang onto but you need so much of it to just pay the bills! At 25 years old, money is one of my greatest barriers. It holds me back from doing trips, taking interesting jobs and running away on the weekends. It seems to want me to put my head down and say goodbye to that little voice in my head begging for adventures.

It’s another thing that I’m still trying to figure out. Why can’t I get ahead? Why can’t I save? Why is organic, healthy food so expensive? Am I really spending that much on coffee? Help.

I’m not sure that future Sarah has the answers to this either. But hopefully she’s moved on from seasonal employment and is able to see more than $10 in her chequing account at a time.

Friends: 

I remember in high school, I always thought those friends would be with me forever. But how I feel about that has obviously changed since almost a decade has passed. I know the people in my life are constantly revolving. I make close friends and they move away, I rekindle relationships and make new ones every few years. I find what I am looking for in a friend changes with age and that I am happy to have lots of diversity. I have best friends for certain seasons of my life and thats okay. People come into your life for a reason and they also leave for one too.

The one thing I know on this topic that will never change is: that my family and my partner will always come first. They will always know me inside and out, they will always love and care for me no matter what phase I am going through. Even after they or I have passed on, there will always be that love and connection. “Always remember there was nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name.”

Career:

I can’t believe I’m a Ranger. I remember when I worked as a lifeguard and would fantasize about becoming one. My love for the outdoors, people and protecting the natural world has always been strong. I am finally doing my dream job. Will this always be my dream job? I’m not sure. Will my body let me continue this work well into my time on earth? I’m not sure. But for now, it’s exactly what I want to be doing. I want a longer contract and maybe benefits one day – but remember, hopefully future Sarah has funds figured out so I shouldn’t have to worry about that ;).

I’m sure when I look back and read this I will be doing something else (back to that split personality gemini thing). Because I never want to limit myself – I never want to write off opportunity.

Goals and ambitions:

Why do these keep changing on me? Why am I SO motivated one year and couldn’t care less the next? “I’m going to be a great trad climber” I tell myself. I train,  I work hard and try and step out of my comfort zone. “This year, I’m going to ski more double blacks” I say with confidence. “I think this season I will write my first book!” – and there it is again, changing ambitions and goals. Will it be like this forever? I think this push is a good thing because it keeps me motivated and aspiring to be really good at something. But should I be focusing on just one thing to feed the success craving? Again, I’m just not sure. I have so many dreams and ideas of what I’d like this story of my life to look like by the end.

Life and death: 

I want to live in the moment. I want to smell all the smells, feel all the feels and dive in. I don’t want to be stressed or anxious. I want to heal from things in my past that weigh on me and I want to be a better person to those I love. Life is precious, its scary and it’s beautiful. When I am older and wiser, I know I will appreciate life even more. As I watch the people around me go grey and be given back to the earth, I will value it even more.

Death. It’s so very real. But I am not afraid of it. I have dealt with so much death in my short time on earth. Family, close friends and acquaintances have all been taken from me too soon. I don’t understand death but I respect it for what it is. I know it’s out of my control and that when I experience it happening again, I will be okay.

I don’t have even close to enough answers and I probably never will. I’ll change my mind a million times, try and stand up for what I believe is right and never stop trying to better myself. When I see this post again, years from now, I wonder how much will have changed? How differently will I see the world and how will the choices I make now affect me later? 

I can’t wait to find out.

Sincerely,

25 years young Sarah.